Miranda - Season 4
by HappyLola
Summary: Miranda has been proposed by two men - she has not reacted well. Retreating to her newly created tent in the living room, can she face the music? Mike is leaving for New York, and Gary has begun to date again - who will she pick? Or is it too late for a happily ever after?
1. Chapter 1: Miranda Bennet

* I loved Miranda, and I really wanted to find out what happened next – so I've decided I will write my own little story. Please feel free to review, I hope you enjoy. - HappyLola x*

**Chapter Uno: Miranda Bennet and Gary Darcy.**

My dearest friend, how lovely of you to join me once again. How are you? I don't really care, so please don't bother me with the details. I am sure you are aware that I have been proposed to by not one, but two men ! It is as though it was a buy one get one free. How cheeky, imagine if they sold them in shops.

'Miranda', shouted Stevie. She was banging on the door of the flat.

Why? I hear you ask. Well, I have failed to mention what happened after my two suitors – yes, I said suitors. I feel like a medieval princess, who cast down her hair to the two knights below. It could happen. I ran, well galloped away from them. Since then I have taken refuge in my house, for around two weeks. No, don't feel sorry for me. I've enjoyed my time. I have erected (you filthy mind) a tent in the living room, where I have spent most of my time. The evenings have been spent with my friend Jeff – the shadow puppet. Don't worry, I have not forgotten my fruit friends, they have their own tent. Why go camping outside in the cold – when you can camp at home !

'Miranda', said Stevie. Oh dear, she had got into the flat – damn giving her a spare key !

'I'm here', I called.

The 'door' to the tent was pulled back, revealing what had become of my life. I sat in my Primark cow onesie, beside me was a lot of chocolate wrapped (to keep up my energy – it is hard work being proposed to) and next to me was my fruit friends - in his handmade felt matching onesie.

'Miranda, you have chocolate – on your face'

'Lunch!' I said, licking it off. What? Waste not want not.

'You need to get changed?'

'Why? What is the point'

She pulled a foghorn from behind her back, pulling the leaver she put it towards my ear. I leaped up, I was pretty sure I had lost my hearing.

'Mike is leaving !'

'What?'

'Mike is leaving'

'You are teething? Stevie you are a grown woman ! I know you are small, and could easily be mistaken for a small child but-'

'Mike is leaving', Stevie shouted.

'Leaving?'

'That is what I said'

Stevie explained how since my reaction, he had been planning to accept a job in New York. It appears I drive men to leave the country.

'I should be bothered', I said. 'Why isn't it bothering me?'

'Maybe you love Gary?'

'Where have you been for the past few years? Of course I love Gary'

Everyone and their dog, and that dog's pet flea knew I loved Gary. Oh, but everything always went wrong with him. We didn't have the best timing.

'You love him ! Well why didn't you accept his proposal?'

'Well... I really needed to fart. I thought it would ruin the magic a bit, and you always see the woman running off in the movies. I thought I'd go all Julia Roberts – add a bit of drama. Oh, Stevie you know I'm not good at confrontation'

It was true, once at board school Trispen Floggatary (real name), was rumoured to be asking me out. I recited the alphabet to him, patted him on the head and said 'good boy'. It was not my finest moment, but I get very nervous in social situations.

'Oh Miranda, you need to be Elizabeth Bennet – go and get your Mr Darcy'

'Yes', I said standing up. I raised my hand and declared - 'I, Miranda vow to get my Darcy !'

'Maybe you should get changed first?' Suggested Stevie.

'That may be a good idea, my very small friend.


	2. Chapter 2: Hairdryer Knickers

**Chapter Deux: Hair Dryer Knickers**

I strode down the street, singing the Pride and Prejudice theme tune in my head. My mind was filled with thought of Gary emerging from a pond in a wet t-shirt (Phhwoarr).

'Gary – take me !' I said, bursting into the restaurant.

The room quickly became silent.

'Miranda?' said Gary. He began to walk towards me – jelly legs, jelly legs.

'Gary I love y-'

'Miranda?' a voice called from the corner.

'Mike?' I said.

'Mike?' said Gary.

'Gary?' said Mike.

'Clive', said Clive.

'Miranda, I didn't think you'd come', said Mike. He got up and walked towards me, and picked up my hand.

'I – came here, because food', I said.

'Oh – I thought you had come to stop me', he said.

'I may have done so, said so'

'I should get back to work – leave you two alone', said Gary.

This was not going to plan. I let Mike lead me to a table, and sat myself down.

'Drinks?' said Mike.

'Bottle of wine and a straw please', I replied.

Suddenly Stevie walked into the room, holding a bunch on balloons saying 'congratulations on your engagement'. Oh dear.

'Abort, Abort !' I hushed towards her.

'Abort? He reject you? Well I guess we can't all have the allure', said Stevie.

'Mike is here !'

'Mike – Mike? But he's meant to be in New York?'

'But he's here !'

'So he's not in New York?'

'Clearly !'

After quickly forming a plan B, we put it into action. Stevie would distract Mike, while I talked to Gary. Plan B a go go !

'Gary – we need to talk', I said sitting myself on the bar seat. They are always so uncomfortable – whose bum is that small that it all fits on a bar stool !

'Miranda, I've been meaning to tell you something', said Gary.

'Gary', said a petite blonde girl walking into the restaurant.

'Missy', said Gary.

Oh come on, that isn't even a real name, what type of parents calls their child Missy.

'I had such a wonderful time last night', she said.

'She did?' I said.

'Miranda this isn't what -'

I got up and left, I guess plan B could be Mike.

'Sometimes Miranda dries her underwear using her hair dryer and every time we go out she says it's her birthday so we get a free cake', said Stevie.

'Stevie !'

'What? Well, you told me to put him off you – I just told the truth about you'

'Rude !'

'So, you don't want to marry me?' said Mike.

'Mike, I'm sorry – I can't marry you. I'm already in love with someone else'

'I guess this is it then – I'm going to New York'

'Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today !' I sang.

I watched Mike leave, a tinge of sadness filled my heart. It was the right thing to do, but I would still miss him.

'Who is that?' asked Stevie, looking over to 'Missy' and Gary.

'Missy', I mocked.

'Miss – eeee', she said.

'Oh Stevie, I'm just going to give up on the whole dating thing. It never works out for me'.

'Well clearly you're not that undesirable, I mean - some people might think so because you are so tall and you eat like a builder and sometimes when -'

'That quite enough thank you Stevie !'

'Miranda', called Gary

'Gary – I can't do this', I said.

'But let me -', he said.

'No, we have too much drama. Can't we just be friends?'

'Oh Miranda, I thought we were getting somewhere'

'I just – You move on after two weeks'

'I was upset'

'No, Gary I just can't'

'But-'

'Stevie, can we go please'

So, that was it. I was back to square one, no Gary and no Mike. But, don't worry my little reader – I'm quite happy. It just means more drunken friday karaoke with Stevie – and who knows what is round the corner. I'll keep you update as the madness continues.

Note:

I know ! I've not put Miranda and Gary together – but don't worry that isn't the end of them ! Miranda just need a bit of fun first.


	3. Chapter 3: The Naughty Step

**Chapter 3: The Naughty Step**

Good afternoon my dear reader, don't you just look lovely ! New outfit? Very snazzy. Anyways – getting away from the point ! I have decided to set up an internet dating profile. Yes, I know there might be lots of weirdos out there, but my love life has reached a desperate time. I may not have the allure, but I have the lure. My new sexy glance, I've been practicing it for week. Admittedly on my friends who are made of fruit, but I warn you dear sir, this type of glance is not for the faint hearted. I believe that 'my lure' will immediately make any man fall in love with me. A bit optimistic? Perhaps.

Ah, to my Mother. Who since my refusal of both proposals has told me I am no longer her daughter, if I knew that was all it took I would have done it years ago ! She has told me, my only hope now of marriage is to becomes a mail order bride. Rude.

I better get going, Stevie wants a staff meeting in 10 minutes. It basically means I sit there while she tells me her plans of world domination. It's a good job she's so small, or she would actually be quite threatening.

'Miranda', called Stevie'

'Oh I'm coming !' I shout back.

Dare I? I say look at the bannister. I mean it's so fun, but there are so many things that can – weeee ! This is so – oh dear. I fell into what appeared to be a box of glitter at the end of the bannister.

'Tinsel?' I said.

'Miranda, can you please take our business seriously? What if a customer had been in'

'They would have clapped'

Stevie began to tell me her plan of turning the shop into a winter wonderland, with 6 days until Christmas.

'Bit late?'

'That is not the kind of attitude this shop needs – to the naughty chair'

'The what?'

Yes, my dear reader. I am currently sat on a naughty chair, apparently this is Stevie's way of 'training' the staff. I feel more like a dog or a naughty toddler. The stool itself is built for a 3 year old, and every time I move it squeaks.

'Miranda?' says Gary walking into the shop. Oh dear.

'No, I'm afraid Miranda can't talk to you – she's on the naughty stool', Stevie replied.

'But I -' I protested.

'No, Miranda. You have until the timer runs out'

Well this is humiliating.

'I just came to drop off this – it's a leaflet for our Christmas party, which we're holding tonight'

'On behalf of Miranda, I would like to enquire if there will be any cake'

Rude.

'Lots – and chocolate'

Well, thankfully Gary left quite quickly – baffled at the scene that unfolded in front of him. Mmmm chocolate. Well I guess Gary and I have to get back to normal sometimes, and this will be the perfect opportunity.

Beep. Beep.

'What is that sound?' I asked.

'Oh I don't know, it's been going off all morning'

'The computer !' I say, getting up from the stool.

'Miranda ! Sit back down'

'But Stevie – this is very important. I think that is a message from my online dating profile'

'Your online dating profile?', she laughed.

Rude. I was informed I am still not allowed the leave the chair, and Stevie shall check it for me.

'I am tall and slender – tall enough to be model? Miranda, you could model for transvestites'

'That was one time Stevie – one time !'

'I am very sporty and go to the gym daily', Stevie continued.

'I do – I walk past the gym now and then'

'Miranda – I think you mispelt cake shop'

'Stevie, on your dating profile you put you were 5'7 – the only way you would be that height is if you were on stilts. Also, you are not 'driven individual'. You are mad'.

'Collins29 requests a date with SlimMir30andahalf-basically20'

'He does?'

'Why? Has he lost one', laughed Stevie.

'Accept, Accept !'

'Done ! Miranda and Collins29 shall be dating tonight at the restaurant – now aren't a good friend?'

'Stevie ! Gary will be there'

'Oh, well – you can show him you've moved on'

'But I told him off for moving on too quickly'

Oh dear. This can not go well. I mean firstly, I need to find an outfit, to do a bit of the wooing. Secondly, Gary. Thirdly, Gary. Well my dear reader, who knows what is going to happen ! I will update you as soon as I am allowed to move from the naughty chair.


	4. Chapter 4: Curtain or Dress?

**Chapter 3: Curtain or Dress?**

'Do you Miranda, take Collins29 to be you-', I said.

'Miranda, darling', called my Mother. She stroll into my room, no knocking. I don't even know why have a door half the time.

'Mum, but I thought you'd abandoned me'

'Don't be silly Miranda, there would be no way to abandon you. I imagine they can even see you in satellite pictures – HA !'

Charming.

'Anyways', she continued. 'Stevie told me you have a date. There aren't many women of your age who get a second change. I thought I would come and help'

This was the last thing I needed.

'Oh I'm okay – I'm quite busy'

'What are you doing?'

'I'm taking my dog for a walk'

'You don't have a dog'

'I'm training to become a … a erm, tree?'

'Miranda, don't be silly. Now, come along now. I have the perfect shop, Tilly's Mother says this place is all the rage, and I can only try and make you look respectable. Maybe you should pretend you are a mute'

'But Mum I -'

'Come along now, it'll be.. SUCH FUN'

'There's a surprise'

After, what can only be described as hours of torture – I walked back into the shop. The outfit my Mother had chosen was made out of what looked like a curtain, it was a matching two piece suit. It was not my best look.

'What on earth – you look like your Mothe-'

Just on time, my Mother entered the shop wearing an identical outfit. She said it would be 'fun' if we 'gals' matched, I did protest but as usual it fell on deaf ears. Stevie pulled out a camera, and capture scene. Note to self: Kill Stevie.

'Miranda I wanted to know if-' said Gary walking into the shop.

Well this is just getting ridiculous.

'What are you wearing?' he continued.

'Doesn't she look wonderful', said Mum.

'Well Penny, I think you've done a fantastic job', said Stevie.

'It's for her date ! Seeing as you wont marry her', said Mum.

'Date?' asked Gary.

'Yes Gary, I have a date ! Because that is what we do after being proposed to – we date'

Go me ! Go Miranda, who is awesome? That is me.

'Oh well, I suppose you wont mind if Missy comes tonight', he asked.

'Is she bringing her sisters? Crystal and Red Wine', I said. Admittedly not my best joke.

'Miranda – come along, we need to practice your dating skills', my dear Mother said. She happily made her way into my flat.

'I better go', said Gary.

After he left, I tried to convince Stevie to help me escape my Mother's wrath.

'No, you can do this alone. When I offered to help you shop, you asked if we'd be using dolls clothes. I am petite Miranda, no doll has this kind of allure'

'Stevvieeeee', I pleaded.

'I have work to do, this winter wonderland will not make itself'

I reluctantly made my way into the flat, where Mum had set out a 'fake date' scene. This was not going to be fun.

'Now Miranda, my only rule for you is to lie – never tell this man the truth about you'. Especially you'

'Rude', I said.

'It is all in the eyes, I suggest you also do not talk. When he does ask you something, make a girly giggle or laugh. Men love it when you find them funny – your father does this thing with his big -'

'La La La', I sang.

Oh dear, this was not going to go well. So far I looked like a curtain and was acting like my Mother.

'But, don't fear ! I shall pop along and help you, I will be undercover', she said. 'Anyways must dash it is naked Thursday'.

This date was not going to go well, my dreams of a nice spring wedding at Leighton Hall with Collins were getting further away. Oh dear, I'm even talking like my Mother now ! Dear reader, how can this get worse? Will Collins29 be the man of my dreams? I guess only time will tell.

Note: To my first reviewer Joanne, so glad you are enjoying the story ! :) Fingers crossed Miranda's date goes well.


	5. Chapter 5: Crawling in Mud

**Chapter 5: Crawling in Mud**

My dear dear readers, I apologise profusely. I have been very busy over this festive period ! As you are all aware, I am a highly important person. I've had so many work meetings.

Are you fooled yet?

I've been sat on my bum the past few weeks, finishing off my remaining Christmas chocolate. It's always sad when you finish them all. If you go to the shop and buy it yourself, you feel fat and guilty. However, at Christmas people give you chocolate and it's rude if you don't eat it all ! Well that is my excuse anyways.

Where did we leave off? Ah yes ! The Date.

It did not go well my little peas, not well at all. The hunk turned out to be 76, and named Frank. If I'm honest, we actually had a lovely date. We discussed our mutual interest in Antique Roadshow and our dislike of technology. It was all very lovely. However, when you see Gary and his new beau and you're sat there with a 76 year old man – not quite the 'sex goddess' image that I intended to portray. WHAT KIND OF NAME IS MISSY ! Ahem.

Happy New Year dear reader. Despite my chocolate fest ! It makes it sound so much more fun... 'fest'. You could add it onto any word and it just sounds so much more fun. Cake 'fest' or Bed 'fest' (ooo naughty).

Stevie and I decided to join a new fitness class. It is called Military Fitness and our first session is tonight. In preparation I have bought a new outfit – why do they insist on people wearing lycra when exercising ! I mean when you start exercising, you don't want to be wearing lycra ! You want to be wearing the biggest top you can find ! Oh well. I've even bought a sweat band, and matching water bottle. I will be the goddess of all the sex – I will have all that sex. See look reader, i'm catching it – I'm catching all the sex. Come back sex ! I need to catc-

'Miranda, what on earth are you doing?' said Stevie.

'Erm... A pre-workout? You know just thought I'd get ahead of it all. Little bit of this and that' I said, dancing around on the spot.

'Well we better get going or we'll be late, and you know what the military are like with being late'

'Maybe we'll get told off by our hunky instructor'

'Phoarrr' we said together.

As we arrived to the park, I realised I had no idea what I was letting myself into. Oh dear. As I looked around, the other women were about half my size and jogging around on the spot.

'Right, lets get running', called our instructor. He was about 6'3 and built like a tank. I am pretty sure I would have found him attractive, if he wasn't shouting so much !

Okay. Come on Miranda. Just pretend you're Lara Croft, you can do this. Just a light jog.

We're off ! Breathing, breathing. Going well, we're all in a pack together.

Breath heee haaaa heee haaa !

Oh dear, a couple of people have just over taken me. I can't even see where Stevie is – this is not going well but at least i'm not at the back just yet.

I'm at the back. After about another 4 people over taking me.

'Heel flicks', the instructor calls.

Heel what?! I begin to try and imitate the people in front of me. By in front, they are about 2 meters ahead of me !

Right just flick my heel here and there – i'm doing okay. I can't breathe and I think I'm about to collapse but it's all going well.

'Knees up!' another command.

Ooo I feel like I'm in Monty Python, doing a silly run. I'm trying to pull my knees up but I can't quite workout how to do that and also run. Oh dear I'm getting further behind, and I'm about to start crawling on the floor.

I wish I'd worn a sports bra. It's not only my knees that are going up and down !

They've stopped. Phew ! Okay can't breath dying, crawling on the floor and slowly come to stop.

'Time for a warm up !' he shouts.

That wasn't the warm up?! I thought that was the full exercise. I'm literally sweating buckets.

'Stee-Stee-vieee' I huff.

Annoyingly she seems a lot better than me, we both stand trying to get our breath back.

'Miranda?' calls a familiar male voice.

Oh dear. Yes my dear reader, you guessed it. It's Gary. This could get any worse.

'Hi' I say. I'm trying to sound like a dying animal

'This is Missy' he says.

It got worse. Of course, she looks great in lycra.

'Oh hi, yeah I'm just here for a work out. Bit of a lunge here and there, oh this? This is nothing compared to my usual work out. I'm just like, this is like a little stroll' I said. I wish I could shut up.

'Well you'll be in the advanced section then – with me and Gary' says the skinny minnie Missy.

'Well... yes' I say.

I think I'm going to die.

During the work-out I try to not draw attention to myself, but it doesn't help when you are very tall and sound like a dying animal.

My dear reader. I'm literally crawling along the floor. I can't feel any part of my body – I'm covered in mud and I can go on no more.

'Miranda do you want any -' asks Gary. Looking down at me lying on my back in the mud.

'Just go, leave me here'

They leave. Rude. It takes me half an hour of lying in the mud to attempt to move. I can't feel any part of my body and I only did 10 minutes of the workout. It isn't going well reader.

I push the door to the shop open, to see Stevie standing with a cup of coffee. What a sight I look – covered in mud, on my hands and knees crawling inside.

'Same time next week?', she asks.

Oh dear.

Note:

Sorry I've been away – I've been busy celebrating Christmas and actually doing little else ! This is kinda based on my first experience at military training. It didn't go well for me, and today I feel like I can't actually move ! Best Wishes :) HappyLola x


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